I had the honour of pastoring the same church for 9 years until recently and on numerous occasions found myself way out of my depth. After that 9-years I now have the gift of hindsight and also the gift of perspective. We all see the same thing but we don't always see things the same. I want to invite you into a snapshot, into some insight into your pastor's reality. I certainly don't speak on behalf of them all - this is just my perspective.
Pastors are my people. I understand the weight they carry, the pain they feel, the frustration they can get wrapped in and the joy that bubbles up within them. Maybe this gift of perspective can help us show grace for imperfect, flawed people (Pastors) who God calls to serve other imperfect, flawed people (YOU).
1. Your Pastor LOVES Jesus & Was Called Into Ministry
Generally speaking, they were not thirsty for ministry. Most pastors were reluctant leaders. They tried to offer God excuses as to why they couldn't lead people or pastor His church. But the call of God was confirmed through prophetic words and recognised by their leaders and friends and as a result, this saw them lay aside their ambitions for their own lives to serve the church.
I can't count how many times I've said this to aspiring church leaders;
If God hasn’t CALLED you, ministry will KILL you.
Let's just assume that God called your pastors! I would not want to be in the place of people who oppose their pastors without any sense of honour (or human decency) when they stand before God giving an account for their decisions.
The bottom line is ministry is not for the faint of heart.
2. The Burden to Care for People Is Too Great for One Person
In Acts 21 we read about Paul staying with a great man known as 'Philip the evangelist.' But Philip didn't start out as an evangelist. The apostles were leading a thriving, growing church but they were spending disproportionate amounts of time feeding people. It's not that it wasn't important work, but it wasn't the primary call. They were to feed people spiritually and not physically as a priority. This is where Philip steps in. Philip didn't wait for his chance to evangelise the lost; he started waiting on tables.
Side note: if you feel a sense of calling, don't wait for an opportunity:
DON'T WAIT. WAIT ON TABLES!
I want my pastor to excavate the Word, making disciples and leading spiritually - not sorting out Foodbank. Foodbank is important but the pastor's role is to feed people spiritually and not physically.
This is why the church, generally speaking, needs more Philips who are prepared to do the important work that releases their pastors to do the primary work.
If you have a heart for reaching your community stop trying to subcontract that desire to your pastor. Be a Philip - you do it!
There is no work-life balance in ministry. It’s not a CAREER it’s a CALL; it’s a cross that demands your whole life.
3. Your Pastor LOVES You And Your Family
It brings them joy when you are thriving in life with Jesus.
I can’t tell you the joy they feel when your kids get dedicated or engaged and married. They get so excited about the singles finding love and you better know they’re also putting bets on who’d be good together! (Or is that just me and Kei!?)
It’s hard to describe the pride in baptising your family members and seeing them mature in God, or when you’re in awe of the miracle of healing you’ve trusted God for! They've stood with eyes tearing up reading cancer-free reports. They've cried at the loss of your loved ones. They wear the pain and the joys of their team and church like a badge of honour.
I say all of that to say this, when, as a human being you’re so invested relationally, spiritually, and emotionally in someone’s life and they just leave without so much as a text, it hurts. I remember meeting a person for coffee and I could sense things weren’t OK. He assured me everything was great and he and his family were doing amazingly. He left not long after without a word.
Or when, without ever having the courtesy or decency to have a conversation about an issue they have – and there are always going to be issues – they talk about you and not to you, it can be piercing. Pastors will be the first to admit we get it wrong – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started a conversation with “I’m so sorry.”
Hurt is proportional to intimacy.
Pastors do not have superpowers; they do not know when you are struggling unless you tell them, they do not know when you’ve been hurt or are offended, they are not immune to being hurt and yet somehow, they have to forgive, love, serve, die to flesh to lead the church. (Thank God for the Holy Spirit!)
I read something a few months ago that made me well up, “You know, I hear a lot of people say, “My pastor hurt me,” but I’ve never heard anyone admit, “I hurt my pastor."
Next time the enemy plants seeds of division in your thought-life and you feel some sort of resentment towards your pastor, just know they probably have no idea. Know that they love you and your family!
4. It Is IMPOSSIBLE To Live Up To Everyone’s Expectations
I read this in my Bible in a Year Plan (Nicky Gumbel):
An online survey listed all the qualities that people expect from the ‘perfect’ pastor:
- They preach for exactly 12 minutes
- They’re 28 years old but have been preaching for 30 years
- They work from 8:00 am – midnight every day
- They frequently condemn sin but never upset anyone
- They wear good clothes, buy good books, drive a great car, live in a good house, and give generously to the poor but have a low salary
- They make 15 daily calls to church families, visit the housebound, and those in hospital, and spend all their time evangelising the unchurched but are always in the office when needed
LOL
One survey suggests the role of a pastor is one of the least respected professions – just above the car salesman. A part of me gets it, right? A tiny minority blow out, blow up or blow it. It’s well documented and it's well publicised. But you need to know the majority of pastors are good, faithful men and women who’ve given their lives to serve Jesus and His Church.
But they’re lumped together with the tiny minority because of lies of the enemy and probably a cognitive distortion. Pastor Josh Howerton says the following.
There’s a cognitive distortion therapists call ‘Overgeneralisation.’ It’s where a person, because of a painful experience applies something from one event to every other event. My therapist asked me to write down the names of people who hurt me. There were 6 names. My therapist said this, “There are over 1,000 people in your church but there are only 6 names on this list. The church didn’t hurt you, a few people in the church hurt you.”
Read the following stats from Barna and let that sink in next time you're tempted to take aim at a pastor.
- 50% of pastors are age 56 and above
- 38% of pastors are thinking of quitting the ministry. Of the 38%, almost half (46%) are under the age of 45
- 72% of the pastors report working between 55 to 75 hours per week. (Pre-Covid)
- 84% of pastors feel they are on call 24/7.
- 80% believe pastoral ministry has negatively affected their families. Many pastor's children do not attend church now because of what the church has done to their parents.
- 65% of pastors feel their family lives in a "glass house" and fear they are not good enough to meet expectations.
- 66% of church members expect a minister and family to live at a higher moral standard than themselves.
- 57% of pastors are unable to pay their bills.
- 53% of pastors are concerned about their future family financial security.
- 35% of pastors battle depression or fear of inadequacy.
- 70% of pastors report they have a lower self-image now than when they first started.
- 70% of pastors do not have someone they consider to be a close friend.
- 71% of churches have no plan for a pastor to receive a periodic sabbatical.
- 1 out of every 10 pastors will actually retire as a pastor. 80% will not be in ministry ten years later. On average, Bible college-trained pastors last only five years in church ministry
Nobody can live up to your unrealistic expectations, let alone your pastor.
5. If Your Pastors Are Flourishing, Church Will Flourish
Growing up as a pastor’s kid two people always stick out in my mind; June and John* (not his real name).
June, I’m convinced is an Angel! She’s well into her 90’s now and is still the sweetest woman on the planet. She said to me once, “I love my pastors.” She always did and still does!
Then there’s John. He was a difficult man, he regularly opposed my parents and made life difficult. He belittled them, patronised them and I thought often about how I could punch him in his gut. John had always opposed his pastors.
Here’s what I realised about them both:
June loved her pastors not for what was in them but for what was in her.
John opposed his pastors not for what was lacking in them but for what was lacking in him.
How you relate to your pastors, let alone anyone else, is a function of your relationship with Jesus.
Being a Pastor is a weight that is unlike any other responsibility. Most pastors don’t make it past 5 years in ministry because of the immense pressure and challenges there are. Not only running things well organisationally to make it easier for people to connect with God and into the community but there’s a spiritual attack on them daily, there is a target on them - “strike the shepherd and the sheep will scatter.” The heaviness and the weight are always there.
It matters that your pastors are looked after. It matters that they have a holiday. It matters that they have time off. It matters that they can go out as a family and enjoy a meal together from time to time. It matters that their cup is overflowing because if the leaders are better the church is better, if the leaders flourish the church will flourish.
6. Your Pastor Is Tempted Just Like You Are
Hebrews 4:15 says that Jesus, “in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” If Jesus was tempted in every way, then pastors are certainly tempted in every way, too.
The emotional drain and discouragement of ministry can taunt a pastor and can even destroy one’s ministry.
They get insecure. They wonder if they’re enough. They doubt themselves. They beat themselves up when they get it wrong. They are human.
This is where the temptation to pack it in seems excruciating.
A friend of mine once said to me tongue in cheek, “Saturday the pastor is optimistic, Sunday realistic, Monday pessimistic.”
“Don’t quit on a Monday” sadly, is great advice to a pastor entering the ministry. In life in general, it is not wise to make decisions when feeling tired or discouraged.
What’s the answer?
YOUR TESTIMONY.
Tell them, tell your life group leaders what God is doing in your world – create a culture of empowerment and encouragement.
I’ve done so many funerals and heard the most beautiful tributes from the deceased loved ones and I always wondered to myself whether they heard those words when they were alive!
Words have the power of life and death!
Every time I preached in my previous church, I would get a text from Church-Aunty Della. “Matt, I'm so expectant to see God speak through you, I’m praying for you.”
Whenever we bump into another great couple they'd make a point to encourage us, “Matt and Keira, we’re holding you in prayer. We’re contending with you.”
Your tongue, and your WORDS have the power of life and death. Not your thoughts, not your intentions! Your words!
7. They’re Trying to Step off The Pedestal People Keep Putting Them On
I’m not better than anyone else. I have never believed I’m better than anyone else. And I promise you if we got to hang out more, it wouldn’t take long for you to see I don’t belong on a pedestal either.
Pastors are not in ministry because they’ve got everything figured out, or because it was an ambition of theirs. They were called into it. They probably tried to resist the call. But God was calling them to serve the local church, so they obeyed.
It gives me a lot of comfort that the heroes in the scripture were deeply flawed people like me. Peter barely got it right. Paul had his critics. Noah was a flawed leader. So was Moses.
God doesn’t use perfect people. His strength is perfected in weakness.
And for the tiny minority who put themselves on the pedestal? God will deal with them!
8. Your Pastors Are So Grateful For You!
They know how demanding life is and how busy you are. They get how challenging life gets and how many plates you juggle are any given time. They know you worked overtime in your job and had a bunch of things to do but still came to church early to serve on team.
They know you haven’t had about 8 hours of sleep in about 5 years and your kids are driving you mad and you still took time to seek God today.
They know you and your spouse argued as soon as you got up and your whole family argued on the way to church this morning in what seemed like WW3 and you still walked through the door anyway (we’ve done that so many times!)
You have no idea how grateful they are for you.
9. Your Pastors Have a Target On Their Back and Feel Like They’re Fighting Alone
They are attacked in ways you couldn’t imagine and face battles you’ll never hear about. They’re lied about, accused, slandered, and face abuse that at times has been unprecedented.
At times they’ve entertained the thought of quitting. Sometimes they’re tired, frustrated, and discouraged to a level you can’t imagine. They wanted to throw in the towel but instead prayed for that fire to be lit in them again. In those moments the isolation and loneliness is excruciating. Whilst they appreciate your prayers but would prefer your backing.
Our family went through some trials like this some years ago and whereas I appreciated the text messages, "Praying for you", I remember thinking to myself,
"I'd rather you backed me publically than pray for me privately!"
That could mean sending a card with words of encouragement or offering to do the shopping or carry some of the load. Listen, it's never about people. Hurt people hurt people. In our frail humanity, we get it wrong. But our battle, according to Ephesians 6:12 is spiritual!
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms
I watched a documentary about lions a while back. A solitary lion was being attacked by a large group of hyenas. They were nipping, getting more confident and wearing the lion down and began biting from all angles and the whole time the lion is roaring. The lion’s two brothers heard the roars and out of nowhere came at those hyenas, killed a couple and the rest of them all ran off.
Because no matter how strong you think your pastors are the scriptures are still true, “two are better than one" and "three cords are not easily broken.”
Acts 2:14, “Then Peter stood up with the Eleven, raised his voice and addressed the crowd.”
Let me highlight those three monumental words “WITH THE ELEVEN.”
Peter is facing the same crowd that demanded Jesus be crucified but this time around they never ran away to save their own skin. Peter preached and the Eleven stood with him as if to say “If you come for him you’ve got to get us too.”
Show some love to your pastors today!
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